Changing Paths

an act of bravery

Some years ago, I made a choice that changed the trajectory of my entire life. I called off a wedding less than 4 months out, and eventually, after some months of couples therapy, ended my engagement altogether. Many people who know this detail about my life tell me how brave I was to do what I did. This always perplexed me. Bravery had nothing to do with it. In my memory, it was like a gradual and physical unraveling over a very long period of time until the desire to leave reverberated throughout my entire body.  

What was my body saying?

First, a tiny voice of questioning- barely audible, easily distractible. 

Then in bigger moments of deep conflict, loud visceral “NO!” messages from my gut and womb.

Sometimes, a deep sadness arose inside the few moments that held any sweetness or potential.

Between these high and low frequencies, a steady hum of heaviness took up residence in my sternum. I was tired and unmotivated all of the time. Easier to stay in bed than have to engage. 

There was definitely, guilt. What’s that feel like?

Eventually, noticing how much I breathed easier anytime I was away from home.

Sex? No thank you. Oh, but the guilt…

During this time my bathroom floor was constantly covered in my own hair. 

My hair grayed rapidly. 

My skin was acne prone. 

My entire system was telling me loud and clear. You are making a mistake. Marrying this person is a lie to yourself, a lie to him, and to everyone you know and love. 

Then I left.

Back to the bravery thing - In hindsight what I think does take courage, conscious or not, is to even ask “Is this what I want?” And then an even bigger act of bravery to listen to the answer. The one that is the actual truth, inconvenient as it may be.

And then to follow that answer into uncharted territory because it’s what feels unshakably right. Maybe that’s what people refer to as bravery. Simply to know what you don’t want- How you can’t and won’t choose to live out your days, so that what you do want can be allowed to reveal itself.

 May we all always be brave.

photo cr: Tara O’Con, This Tree, Prospect Park