Wanting and Knowing

What do we know about what we want?

In the spirit of the winter solstice and the new year, I was recently asked to reflect on the question, ‘What do you want less of and what do you want more of?’ I was surprised by the first thing that came up.  Less wanting, more knowing.   

What does that even mean? Well, maybe it’s that I tend to rattle off things I want all the time, to myself - in my head, in my journal- to my friends and family as conversation points to share, in solidarity, in confidence.  Things I want professionally, things I want personally, in all aspects of my life. 

But what do I know about the things I want - why do I want them, and what do they mean to me? How do they impact my life and my relationships? And how is that different than just wanting them? In my mind’s eye, there is layer upon layer of wants- like the peels of an onion, or depths of dirt to dig through until I hit something solid. It’s easy to want, flippant even. I could peel back those layers and toss that dirt forever, and always have something to talk about.

 It is difficult to get to the knowing.  

The knowing is smaller, quieter, silent even. It doesn’t have to explain itself or even talk a lot. It just is. The knowing is a sense- a way of being. It is movement. It is stillness. It is the sweet spot where the repetitive talking turns to action - and action turns to essence. Where there is nothing to talk about because it’s already happening. It is no longer outside waiting on the shelf to be picked up and examined over cocktails or tea and conversation. It has embedded itself into my body. How would my conversations with myself, and with my dear ones be different if I showed up knowing? I’d probably talk less and listen more. More curiosity, less spiel, no story.

Something I’ve witnessed in coaching that stops my heart every single time is the moment someone says the thing they want in a way that sounds different than they’ve ever said it before either to themselves or to another. An utterance, an acceptance, a release, an admittance, a reckoning, an acknowledgement, a reveal.  This, is a knowing.

However it comes, a knowing might be to see beyond social conditioning, constructed pathways, or if/then - either/or logic. A knowing that has dislodged itself from the depths and presented itself with an exhale. Inside the knowing is a question-  Where do we go from here? What do we need?

photo cr: Tara O’Con, prospect park